A Field Guide to San Francisco Penises (NSFW)

PenisHero_final

Another article for my parents to be proud of.

Late edit: The Bold Italic is no more (RIP) so I am transferring the entirety of my articles over here, for safe storage.

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It used to be that you couldn’t live in San Francisco for long without seeing a penis (or five) on the street at some point during the year. But two years ago, San Francisco fell victim to censorship on account of an attempt to take our precious cock-viewing away from us. A city supervisor, ironically named Scott Wiener, decreed that nudity would no longer fly (except at certain permitted events) in a city known for letting it all hang out.

Despite all the changes San Francisco has witnessed over the past few years, though, this city continues to proudly celebrate free expression (including a recent pro-nudity rally in the Castro protesting the law). Nothing exemplifies this spirit more than the commitment to remaining nude even in the face of the ban.

That’s why the Field Guide to San Francisco Penises was created: to help you, the schlong aficionado, figure out the where’s, when’s, and how-to’s of observing cocks in their native habitats. Whether you’re a tourist, a curious local, or a professional wang enthusiast, this field guide will help you identify the plethora of man meat on the streets of San Francisco – nudity ban be dammed.

1) Sea Cucumber

Chubbus danglus

Breathtaking views of the Golden Gate Bridge serve as the perfect backdrop to this array of generously tanned schlongs frequently found at Baker Beach. Unique characteristics of these penises include skin tones that match the bodies they’re attached to and the accompaniment of sandy balls.


2) Blowjay

Coitus interruptus

This species of penis can be found getting busy in public throughout San Francisco, but for the more experienced voyeurs among you, typical migration spots include shadowy areas of Golden Gate Park, sex clubs, and bar bathrooms. Be careful not to disturb the mating rituals of these penises, unless you’re explicitly invited to interact.


3) Tinderfowl

Dickus pickus

This ubiquitous penis can be somewhat of an annoyance, as it is not always welcome when encountered. If you are eager to check this penis off your list, you can summon it by swiping right on your Tinder app, but be warned – sometimes they won’t leave you alone afterward.


4) Helmeted Cock

Cyclum gallus

Get more than you bargained for with this annual flock of cock. For your best shot at peeping these toms, make sure you head downtown in early June to take in all that World Naked Bike Ride day has to boast.


5) Glitter Goose

Pompa fabulosa

A multitude of magnificent penises abound during San Francisco’s Pride weekend in June, from Pink Saturday to the Pride Parade. Glittery sausages will be shaken in your face, and you’ll love it. These penises are closely related to their more leather-bound cousins found at Folsom Street Fair and Dore Alley.


6) Peegull

Dongus inebriari

Wander through San Francisco’s party neighborhoods during SantaCon, St. Patrick’s Day, or on any random Saturday night to witness a wasted bro’s whiskey dick peeing all over the sidewalk. Whatever your opinion of water sports may be, know that these dicks are an essential part of San Francisco’s ecosystem.


7) Costumed Loon

Marathona inebriari

Keep the end of May marked in your calendar for the perfect springtime wiener-watching activity. San Francisco’s notorious footrace, Bay to Breakers, is widely considered by experts to be a surefire way to get an eyeful of wang, allowing you to spot all kinds of festive genitals. Join in on the fun by baring it all yourself!


8) Twin Peeker

Castro nudus

This once-prevalent penis species has dwindled to an endangered few thanks to the aforementioned nudity ban, but that hasn’t stopped longtime locals from using loopholes to stay strong in the face of censorship. Stake out some time in SF’s Castro neighborhood, and a gust of wind may allow you to peep the peens that hide beneath the tiny, translucent cloths covering them.

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